The New Honeymooners
Christine Wandel hinted the reason she did not want me to write about her and Stefan was because they owned a house together which may not be Kosher with a couple of Federal agencies. I began to suspect our ghoulish couple were working with this weird right-wing writer-friend of Christine. The three of them went shopping together. This guy wanted to buy Chris a dress because he invited her to a Boston Blue Blood dinner. When she told me she voted for Trump, then said I was a “Snowflake” I went ballistic!
“The Christian-right is going to use him to do away with the Social Safety Net because they want to destroy all secularism in THEIR Christian America! They’re going to take away our monies!”
“He’s going to stop young black girls from putting bricks in their back-packs and backing into white people, especially little old white ladies like me!”
“This has happened to you?”
“More than once. I got bruises all over my arms!”
I got a clue Wandel was moving to the right when she would call me about a half hour before the Honeymooner was on T.V.
“We can’t talk long. The Honeymooners is going to start in a half hour. Let me tell ya what I found in Stefan’s pocket when I looked for money. He owes me. He put kitty-litter in the toilet and bathtub and I got to get a plumber here. How am I going to pay for it? He spends all his money on his fake arty people.
“What did you find? Hurry, I got something important to say!”
I found two tickets, at forty dollars a pop, to this Masturbation Reading!”
“What is that?”
“Welllll! A woman sits at a table while reading a book, and a dude under the table – that you can’t see – brings her to multiple orgasms! How sick is that?”
“You’re kidding! How do you know its a dude?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The person under the table. It might be a woman!”
“Oh God. I’m going to be sick! I’ going to throw up! He’s crazy! Why would he think I would want to see something like that?”
“Have you considered the extra ticket is not for you?”
“What? WAIT! Oh my God he’s going to take that Euro Skank with him. He planned to cheat on me – with that whore! That fucking bastard!”
“It’s worse than than that. Didn’t you tell me a writer moved in downstairs?”
“Put two and two together. I think Stefan is wooing him, getting him to write his bio – for nothing! He’s embraced this dull guy, and made him one with the sick art world – you rejected! This is like…..The Odd Couple!”
“Oh no! Oh no! You got it. You are so right. He’ll sit the Morton The Dullard in the front row and make him feel like he’s a player.”
“He’s grooming him? Now, let me tell this important news.”
“Not now! The Honeymooners is starting. Tell me about “grooming” tomorrow. Love you! How dare that bastard go after my writer!”
“I thought I was your writer! You two are going to be in my book!”
“Have you thought about buying the house next door?”
“I thought you said the city was going to condemn it and tear it down!”
“Not if you buy it! Lil Blacky will have no place to dwell!”
“You care more about that cat than you do me!”
“Oh! Listen. “Hey Norton! Get your ass down here!”
“I don’t recall cussing!”
“This is the New York cut! Love you!”
“Love you too!”
Trump has delayed the national election for three months hoping a vaccine will be discovered. People are going crazy – everywhere – but not like in New York City. Each show will begins with a call to Christine’s old friend, John, who has been writing his autobiography for twenty years.
“Aren’t you done roasting that old chestnut?”
“Unbelievable Shit keeps happening – everyday! I can keep up! What is that horrible screaming?”
Norton is dragging Trixie up the fire-escape by her hair. Ed caught her winking at the butcher hoping he would give her some free slices of bologna! Ralph is trying to talk him into going to a Anger Management Group, that starts after his Rage-aholic meeting is over. He’s suggesting they sit in on each other’s meetings, but Alice says this will not end their very co-dependent relationship! Listen….
“Do you want to go to the fucking moon – bitch! You’re just like your witchy mother. Every time she comes over, you two take out your witch knives – and try to castrate me! Well – here they are! Take them – and wear them in peace!”
“My God! This can’t be real! You say these are the lost Honeymooner tapes especially made for New Yorkers?”
“Hey! I don’t make the rules. One day the New Honeymooners was on the air. We just watch. The New York Post is trying to track down the origin. But, who fucking cares! We are a captive audience. This is bigger than Barnabas! Fox News says Mark Zuckerburg is behind this.”
Soon, the New Honeymooner is on 24/7. Some scholars theorize this show represent FACEBOOK – that is never off the air! Rumors say this show is based upon the lives of twelve facebook users, called ‘The Disciples’. A special computer viral machine has raised Ralph and Ed from the dead. Trump is blamed. The NEED TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME is our National Plague.
The moral of this story is….We are allowed to watch a series about a rageaholic verbally abusing his wife, and a racist president telling raging lies, but, seeing a woman having a orgasm that makes her feel very good is – FORBIDDEN! Angry men are for some reason – more beautiful.
President Donald Trump on Thursday appeared to row back on the idea of delaying the 2020 election, even as he continued to raise doubts about efforts to expand mail-in voting in some states to respond to the coronavirus.