Tarzana Jane

The Royal Janitor


John Presco

Copyright 2021

Victoria could not believe her luck. Admiral Sinclair was being stationed in Japan and asked Victoria Bond if she wanted to purchase his Aston Martin. The second she lay eyes on it in the parking lot, Miriam wanted to drive it.

‘You don’t know how to drive!” offered Victoria, relieved that her lover was not going to get behind ‘Her Dream’ and more than likely – wreck it.

“You can teach me! I am a quick learner!” Retorted Starfish – who gave her dear friend – the look.

“Shit!” Bond said, and was now googling the nearest airport where there was always a airport road that no one uses. She found one that was long enough to get her Aston thru her gears. As promised, Miriam proved to be a very fast learner!

(Fuck!) said Bond to herself, knowing what was coming next.

“Can I have it! “

Behind the wheel of her new Aston Martin, of which only 77 were made, Starfish let go a yell!

“Tarzana…….here we come!”

Drivers who love to drive real fast on the LA freeways, instinctively felt Starfish coming, and checked out their rearview mirror. If they did not move to the right fast enough, Agent 006 pulled up on their right, and gave the driver – the vicious glare that many dead men had seen. It was the last thing they saw. Being dressed like a Savage completed the deal, as did the ashen look on Victoria’s face. Was she taken hostage? Were they about to be – on the news? Is there a helicopter flying overhead?


At the Edgar Rice Burroughs Museum, Miriam now excitedly talked about her Russian father who attended UC on some kind of scholarship. After seeing a Tarzan movie on T.V. Alexis started buying Tarzan comic books, and other pulp fiction written by Ed. He loved the illustrations by his son, Jack, or, John. Starfish was lecturing Victoria with Edgar’s fixation on the name JOHN. He named his son John, and his daughter Joan.

“My middle name is Jane!” exclaimed Starfish in a melcoholic way. My mother hated her husband’s fixation with the JOHN name. They were arguing on the Oregon Coast, and Virginia pointed to a starfish in a tidepool.

“This is what our daughter will be called!”

“When we have a baby, we will name her Jane.”

“After Tarzan’s wife?” asked Victoria as she beheld a photograph of Jane and Tarzan in their tree house.

Starfish came over and looked at the photograph and went into a deep trance.

“Maybe I will call you Jane.”

“And, what will I call you – Tarzan? Take me to lunch.”



When the Aston pulled up in front of Gucci in Beverly Hills, heads turned when Starfish got out of the car. They had seen several Aston Martin’s around town – on a regular basis. There were James Bond wanna-bees. Seated on the deck at a table for two, our BAD agents got a call that would change the course of history.

History will tell that the global war with China was hatched here – with a palm tree in the background! Looking at the laptops, they saw a hundred container ships anchored off Los Angeles. There was a Trojan Horse concern. China had developed a super weapon that could knock out all our computers – along with the power grid. What if these ships contained that weapon?

“How do we get on those ships?” typed Victoria.

“You need a cover. We were thinking about two cultural reporters for the Getty Foundation who want to do a article on the cultural affect these ships are having on Los Angeles. Come up with new names.”

“I will be Mary Jane Starfish, and, you will be….Joan!”

“I hate the name Joan!”

“But, it is- so you. You are the serious and sane one, who helps ground your Wild Woman!”

“There is Joan Rosamond Clifford. I’ve always enjoyed her history. How does Joan Rosamond sound?”

“Perfect – Joan! Joan Rosamond, Cultural Curator of the Getty Museum, and, her sidekick Mary Jane!”

Halfway through lunch, Mary Jane launched another one of her fantastic Russian fables at her.

“Did you know China invaded Troy, and helped conquer it. The Trojan Horse was made in China. It led a vast army that came along what would be known as the Silk Road. The Greeks convinced the son of the ruler to help the Greeks conquer China. When the Emperor saw his son on the horse, he felt totally betrayed. He was able to gather and army and defeat the Greek menace. Several generations later, Qin Shi Huang, the first Emperor of China ,made a terracotta army believing Greek statues were the source of their Warrior Power.”

Joan gave her lover a long look.

“Are you a Russian plant? Who fed you all this bullshit? We’ll use it. Chinese leaders are terrible at denial. There culture is rooted in luck, not lying, as we find in Genesis. Lying to God is such a strange concept.”

“Are you talking about the Adam and Even encounter? Adam was made in the image of The Truth, which is God. But Eve brought another lesson. Being culpable does not always work. Being creative works – most of the time. I will teach you about The Shekinah when we have more time. My parents used to take me to court trials in our small town – for entertainment. We had no picture show.”

(a fashionable couple in the neighboring table – caught that one – and wondered if they were smoking marihuana.)

“Did you know Maureen Sullivan is Mia Farrow’s mother?” quipped Joan. And, that bit of gossip turned some heads. Eavesdroppers!

“Rosemary’s Baby! They used to call me that because the way I stared at the judge, and – THE ACCUSED!”

“Lose lips, sink ships! How do you deal with the idea of Godly Punishment? Adam, is a snitch!”

The woman at the next table began to choke on her piece of fancy asparagus. Starfish slowly turned, and, gave her…….the look.

China Has ‘First-Strike’ Capability To Melt U.S. Power Grid With Electromagnetic Pulse Weapon (forbes.com)

Last week, the EMP Task Force on National and Homeland Security issued a scary report on China’s ability to conduct an Electromagnetic Pulse attack on the United States. The key takeaway, according to Dr. Peter Pry,
 executive director of the task force, is that China now has super-EMP weapons, knows how to protect itself against an EMP attack, and has developed protocols to conduct a first-strike attack, even as they deny they would ever do so.

According to the Center for Strategic International Studies, China has the most active ballistic missile development program in the world, so this is doubly troubling. China used stolen U.S. technology to develop at least three types of high-tech weapons to attack the electric grid and key technologies that could cause a surprise “Pearl Harbor” attack that could produce a deadly blackout to the entire country.

Dr. Pry outlines how China has built a network of satellites, high-speed missiles, and super-electromagnetic pulse weapons that could melt down our electric grid, fry critical communications, and even takeout the ability of our aircraft carrier groups to respond.

Terracotta Army – Wikipedia

John Coleman Burroughs – Wikipedia

John Coleman Burroughs was born in Chicago, Illinois on February 28, 1913 — just at the time that his father’s famous creation, Tarzan, was beginning to catch on. February was same month in which his father, Edgar Rice Burroughs, decided to make a full-time career of writing. In fact, ERB dedicated the first novel he wrote, A Princess of Mars, to young John. “John” was obviously a favourite name of ERB’s — as well as giving the name to his youngest son, he also christened his two best-known heroes with the name, and even used it once as a pseudonym: John Tyler McCulloch. The ancestor of whom Ed was most proud was Virginia settler, John Coleman. Coleman was also Ed’s brother’s name. JCB (Jack) and his older sister and brother – Joan (pronounced Jo-Anne) and Hulbert (Hully) – were all brought up on Tarzan stories and were encouraged to develop a great appreciation for the outdoors and nature.  By all accounts ERB was an excellent father and his most prolific and artistic writing period coincided with the period of time when his three children were probably most demanding. He had said, “Were I literary and afflicted with temperament I should have a devil of a time writing stories…”

ERBzine 0335: John Coleman Burroughs

About Royal Rosamond Press

I am an artist, a writer, and a theologian.
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1 Response to Tarzana Jane

  1. Reblogged this on Rosamond Press and commented:

    Am I the embodiment of Farmer – whose work is not done?

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