“Write! Write! Write!”
From here on, none of my writing is aimed at Rena Easton. If she wants to go back to being a lurker to this blog, fine! That is none of my business.
When I opened Rena’s letter I was shocked to see how perfect her lettering was. Having spent three years in the Adult-Children-Of-Alcoholics Twelve Step Program, I knew the traits of those who suffer from the abuse of alcoholic parents. These perfect letters made me cry. When Rena talked about being afraid most of her life, and not having friends, I cried some more! When I began her letter within an hour of reading her letter, I cried through most of it. I assumed Rena had been in therapy and knew something about adult-children. Apparently I was wrong.
Rena has no sympathy for a me, a fellow adult-child who has been fighting the bad guys all his life. In this blog I talk about taking the Mafia in Boston to court, and surviving their attempt on my life. I talked about playing chess for two people’s life who have guns and are threatening to shoot my friends. It is said adult-children make good ambulance people, police men, and soldiers, because we grew up in chaos and violence all around us, and are right at home. However, the opposite is also a trait. I believed Rena had retreated from the world, and struggle with her fear hour to hour.
When I read that letter, I was reminded of Rena trying to overcome her fear of the ocean, and she put herself in a very dangerous place. I choke up every time I recall it. It was the second time I saved her life. The ocean can’t be CONTROLLED. CONTROL is a big word for ACOAs. Rena was in tight control when I met her. When I read her letter, I saw her as the person she WAS! Rena’s call to the sheriff was her way of trying to take CONTROL. She believed she had set the guidelines for our relationship, and I appear to be outside HER bounderies.
I got my own bounderies to control. I have no wife to use as my shield, I am still struggling with very mixed feelings, and I am verbalizing these feelings in regards to this blog, that is my therapy, because my family is a Criminal Family. Criminal Families have one rule……….KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND BE LOYAL TO THE CONTROLLING GODFATHER! The attempts to SHUT ME UP, constitute %50 percent of the contents of this blog.
At ACOA meetings people cry a lot, even when they are hearing a total stranger talk about the prison they are in most of their life. Below is my imperfect, and un-edited letter that I was going to send Rena a few days after I sent the first one. However, I though it best to read her response to the first letter, which never came. Rena’s response was delivered by the sheriff.
What I have shown in my last post, is when ACOAs try to be in control the wrong way, they become criminals too. This is why I recommend everyone who reads my posts, and can relate, get into therapy, and a appropriate twelve-step program.
I Had No Childhood
I was taught at a very early age how to take on the responsibilities of the parents – cooking, cleaning, babysitting, shopping, working, etc. I had no childhood, or at least one that I would have wanted. I was always stuck at home doing chores while one of my parents was at the bar. — Alley
Common Characteristics Outlined
As long as things are going smoothly, we’re fine. However, when we experience conflict, controversy, or crises and we respond with less-than-adult-like reactions.
Over the years, those who have studied the “adult child” phenomenon have compiled a list of common characteristics which many people who grew up in dysfunctional homes seem to share. The following characteristics were developed in 1983 by Dr. Janet G. Woititz.
You may recognize some of them.
…guess at what normal is.
…have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
…lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
…judge themselves without mercy.
…have difficulty having fun.
…take themselves very seriously.
…have difficulty with intimate relationships.
…overreact to changes over which they have no control.
…constantly seek approval and affirmation.
…feel that they are different from other people.
…are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
…are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.
…tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.
These characteristics are, of course, general in nature and do not apply to everyone. Some may apply and others not. And there are still other characteristics which are not on this list. But if any of these sound all too familiar, you may benefit by learning more about the phenomenon.
You might want to read Dr. Jan’s book Adult Children of Alcoholics for more detailed descriptions. You might take the Adult Children Screening Quiz to get an indication of how much you may have been affected by growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home.
If you would like to learn more about support group programs for those who grew up in alcoholic homes, check the resources from Al-Anon Family Groups or the Adult Children of Alcoholics organization.
Once again, her is the definition of a Muse who inspired me to compose some creative offers to her – and her husband!
After reading your letter for the fourth time, I am saying this out loud, to myself, with joy!
“You, lucky, lucky, man! You lucky, lucky, man!”
This is what I mean………..
1. You got to love one of the most besutiful women in the world.
2. This beautiful woman loved you
3. This beautiful woman may still love you
4. You still love this beautiful woman
5. This beautiful woman might be one of the most honest women in the world
6. Because of her honesty she is more beautiful on the inside then she ever was on the outside.
7. This honest woman gives you the golden opportuity to be an honest man.
8. You got to save this honest and beautiful woman
9. This woman……….saved you!
Does ths sum it my dear friend? Can you see anything I left out. Is there room for improvement?
I came to own a couple of pictures after reading your letter the second time.
1. I see your father’s big hand grabbing your tan seven year old arm and dragging you into the house. You are so angry because he isviolating your space and humiating you in front of your friends. I can nosw see the fury in your eyes.
2. I see my hand grabbing your tan seventeen year old arm, and your hand slappig mt hand. I behold the fury in your eyes.
3. There is a crazed look in your eyes after you came back to bed after talking to your ex-boyfriend. You made a tent over us. You are saying this; “I hate him so much. Save me!”
4. I look at with utter sadness, and say this before I turn my back to you and try to go back to sleep; “Oh Rena. I love you so much. I don’t want to play anymore.”
After attending Adult Children of Alcoholics, AA, Incest Survivors meetings, and studying Co-Dependancy, I learned that when you run all the terrible abuse thrugh many sifts, this word is what you get – every time!
Here is the main reason I am such a lucky, lucky man……….
10. A very beuatiulf and honest woman has let you know she has not ABAONED you, after all these years. And, you get to tell her, you have not ABANDONED her – and never will!
Here I am!
“Greg, I want yu to know & listen!”
I am here.
Rena, you and I were homeless together. Thousands of abused and abanded children end of homeless. Your grandmother offered you sanctuary in your home, and she wanted youto coe home because sh feared for yoursafety, but, you NEEDED to act out your abandoment with your dear friend, greg your rescuer, your savior.
Chrstine acted out all her abandoment issues with me, and on me. Your brother Steve was co-abused. Did you ever make a blanket ten with him in your need to feel safe, in yiur want of Sanctuary? Your btoehr abandned you, got mentally ill, and left you all alone in the world. What about your sisters? On Christmas Day you realised they were not there for you, your family, the ones yu make Matching Picture with so you may recall who you are. So, you write a letter to your Artist who is doing a portraint of you.
I own the earliest memories of you, don’t I?
When I came on the train to visti you, you saw me as a father figure. You took an extra long time to dress up for me. You showed e how creative your boyfriend, and because he was an artist, yiu knew I would approve of him. You needed me to apporve of him, see that you are capable ofmaking good choices. You then took me to the museum to show me how much you had laerned at college. When we sat on the steps that you lay down upon, you put your head I my lap and embrased my legs.
“Don’tgo. Dont leave me!”
Here I am!
I wetpt forjoy before I opened you letter because I new what was inside.
“Here I am! Ihave not abandoed you!”
Remeber when Christine was looking deeply inside you and in te morning you said;
“I don’t think yiur sister likes me!”
You wanted an explination. I told you she is a seer and was seeing something I you. She was seeing herself, her wol abandoment. You were her Muse. I was her teacher. When I left with you, she felt abandoended. She had to get me back, get me away from you. Christne becae her own model. She needed my approval, needed to make sure I would never leaver he again. She took my art accroding to my therapist. What a trip…..the three of us!
And there you are, up in some modern office building, the most honest unknown woman in the world, reciting poems you know by heart as you vacuum the rug. Alas, you are uncorruptable. You are the epitone of humitly. Here is Helen, the beautfy that launched a thousads ship, hidden away from the world in a little trailor surrounded by live stock and other animal like CHRIST in the manger.
Did you read what I called you, usiing the eanings of your name SERENE CHRIST.
Chrstine died withut confrotnig her abusve father. She paid ten of thousands of dollar to three therapist (one she had an affair with) trying to convicne them I was the once respncible for her mtnal illness for her life not turbing ut the way it should.
My fvery dangerous and vilent father was given one year to live, and this he attmpeted to be an honest man before he died. His granddaguther accuse hin of raping her. He confessed he has suxaul realtins with shannon when they drank together, but, she came on to him. Her version he came on to her and when she retrueated to her room and lock the door, he kicked it down. Shannon was the adut heir of Rosamond’s artistic legacy, and my myfmily went aftr he and took away her credibilty. I am hard pressed to find anyhing HONEST about Christime’s success. Then there is you! Tehy didnt get yu becaise no one could find even me, and how my honesty has been tested. Am I being an homest man?
Are my motives pure?
Vic told me he took Chrstie out to the car and molested her when she was about 31/2, but, my mother suggested he do this. Not for second did my father realize how this information would ABANDON me – and my beautfu sister!
Rena, I want you to know & listen……..
When I was lseventeen and ivigng in New York, my drea best frind called me and asked;
“Are yiu an honest man?”
“What is a man. Bill?” I replied
“I knew yiu were going to say that. You don’t know it rght now, but yiu helped me very much.”
Six months later, Bill drive on the railroad tracks in Ogden Utah, and killed himself
I worled very har in the Big Apple. I loved to work. It made me feel free of the abuse. I hitchiked there after I stopped my mother fromn pulling more fisful of hair out of Christne head. She three me out of the house. When I met Christine at the side of the house, she said this with tears;
“Don’t leve me along with the monster!”
Rena Bill was abeautiful artist, poest, ad playright. He killed himsef on my eighteenth birthday beause my mother had seduced him, and, he broke our oath….to tell each other the truth no matter what, because it was our ambition to be HONEST MEN!
My dearchildhood friend ABANDONED me. He was so beautiful. He was my gift God put in the world to accomopy my gifts. We were beusiful artists walking side by with our pallet and brush, taking on the world that needed some improvemt, that needed our beaufitul vison.
Everybodies gone, but you. And, I am nit talkig about Rena the beautiful Muse, I am talking about Rena the Honest Woman, who may have lost her exquistie beauty, but, she had gained the world.
In your plea forme to won some mercy on you redenck ways, and I must assume the redneck you love dearly, I don’t think you realize the very honest and humble person you are reealing You are the Alpha and Omega of THIS STORY. There are two books and two screenplays out ther about Christine. Not one is being bought. No one buys it, THEIR STORY, because they dont have you!
Because they don’t have you, they dont have a honest woman in Christines story, because, she was not oly a dishinet owman, she was a dishonest artist! How could she be! She could not do what we have done. Evenin the end, she couldnot identity her REAL abuser. It had to be me. It just had to. Why, becauser…….there is you1
You ispired me.And you inspried Christne! Chrsistine, did nt have a clue who she was.
If this was a movie, this is how it would begin
Night scene, Bozeman Montana. A light on in a offc building downtown. A woman is reading a poem. Sound of vacumm cleaner. The camer comes in the winodw, The words get louder. The vaccuming stops. The woman janitor wraps the cord up, and the………..the camera zooms in for a close up. This women about sixty years f ager is looking far off. She is taking a breather. Her face begins to get youger and younger. Suddenly she is ont beach at Venus. She is glaring at the tanned ones the LA bathing beeaties who are gettig attentoion. Why isnt she getting any attention? The dude that is with the goddes is wonedring the same thing. They drove all the way from Nebraksa to get the attenion of the beituful people. This dude is this young beuatuirs promoter, her svengali. All the beautiful people deduced that the second they stepped on the boardwlak. They had seen his kind before. This is what they due, study other beautiful people all day. When this goddess stpeed on to the sad in her amazing bikini that hung on her, just tright, they knew she was a contender. They knew she was a ten, even a twelve. This is why she was ignored, beccause all eyes were on her. She had everyones attention, but, they learned how not to show it. They were exoerts at it. If she had know the rukes then she would not own that incredive sering glare that made her sexy beyond belief. But, they prented not see as their hear t poided. They moved over to wear the muscle guys are workig out.
The promoter is besise himself.
“Hey you dudes! Don’t you see ths stunning beauty standing here. Why are you not lookig at her, What are you, abunch of fags?”
Rena, I began a autbiogrpahy two years befoe Christine died in hope she and my other siblings would get away from their abusvie alcoholic parents ad get into recovery. I had gone into therapy in order to find a way for Christine and I to end the break in our once beautiful bond. My therpists speicalized in Artists. She had paintings of Phoenix Brids one the wall that past client gave her. My plan was to see Christine’s and my renditions of Hope Rising From the Ashes of Disparr. This is all I wanted. This would be OUR Twelfth Step that would help other Adult Children of Alcphlocs and Incest Surivors Heal. Unfortunately, my beloeved sister – DIED! My family told many lies about how she died. I have impeached their cridibiity, and they mine. What about your credibiltiy, my dear firned. Are your motives oure? Are you an honest woman?
I want to know what you want. I want to know what your husband wants. I want you to know what I want. There is a beautiful and great story here, even a great miracle. I want your honest opinion about what you think I should. I have considered ABANDINING my book – many times. There is a saying in Recovery “Dont throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Allow me to read, or, guess between the lines.
a. You loveyour husband bery much and would like to save the farm.
b. There is money to be made from biogrpahys and movie scripts
c.You and yiur husband are getting old and my not be able to work any more
d You two stand to lose everything, even the dog and cats
Rena, if you and your husband are wondering if there is mney to be made from my story that makes you a central character, that wonder aloud. I needed a ending to this story. If that ending has you and your husband riding off into the sunset with the cows, the dogs, ad the cats, then I am all for it! If, that is how you, my dear and honest friend, want yiur story to go, then I am behind it a hundred perccent.
You don’t have to get dow on yyr knees to ask me to show some kindness to rednecks, ecause they are only human. I love you Rena, ad would do anything for you because you are my friend. I want you to consider all apsects of this offer. I will help you make an HONEST CHOICE. I know the many ptifalls and can guide you around them, but, you have to be coplelely candid. You have to be as overt as you know how to be. No covert thoughts or agendas.
Rena, you have got to be honest with yourself about your beauty. You were way beyond “pretty”. In those bars near the peir was an ongoing Amateru Beauty Pageant. Dudes from all over LA brought teir hot babes there and paraded them around. I had seen the show several times. None of them coud hold a candle to you. When you came out of that dark doorway – the Winner ermerged!
The reason folks werent looking at you because your beauty was overpowering! I had to avert my eyes. I could not breath. I felt faint. You had reduced me to a stammering puddle of low self-esteem. I almost gave my attempt to speak to you. I felt so unworthy. You made everyone at the beach feel unworthy – even the Muscle Guys. You had a perfect bod. You semety was perfect. I have never seen your equal The semtry of your face – was perfect. But, it was what was going on inside you that put you over the top and in a league of your won. That energy that was pur fire went with yiur Animal Magnatism. You were an Animal. Not only did you coe to Venise to take home the trophy ou came to kick the ass of tht Losers! You were behynd BAD-ASS. You came to – DESTROY!
The last thing I am going to recall on my death bed, with a smile is this;
“I stood up to her. I had a answer to her question.”
“Can I walk with you?”
“Sure. I was expecting you!”
“What do yu mean by that?” said the She-wolf Vampire. And she dare her prey to look into her eyes.
I see these movies about beautful and loving bloodsucking vampires. Christine saw you that way. You are such a Archetype. So many producers and artist have tried to capture you. Your beauty is evolving as the perdomient beauty. Can you let me now soething about your genes. Are the Christensens Swedish or Danish. I want to do your genealogy. I think it is a good idea we talk on the phone.
Rena, if we dod something with OUR STORY then I want you to be as honest as you can be about how you believe you abused me, and, others. We would have to take a walk on the really dark and wild side. Our story could reaally be an extraorniday one. It would be a shame not to try and tell it. I dont know if we can cast the acrtress to play you. But if she is out there. What a movie. I would love to yiu and I walking into that Safeway I Guernville, and see the faces on wome who thougt they were beautiful. I would turn and watch the devistation yu left in your wake.
You have never mentioned your mother. Why? I can speculate, but I would like to here why from you?
And what about your sisters? I thought you said all therr were models. This suggests your mother was very beautiful. Where did yiu get yiur almond shaped eyes? Am I correct in saying you had god eyes?