The Royal Janitor
Chapter: Hard Ale
While on their way to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, Victoria and Starfish got a urgent call from Professor John Von Bond. He was being sued by the Connery Beer Company he helped found. The label he designed for the first Connery Beer can was a big hit, But when he put Sean on a can of Hard Ale with Claudine Augur on his laps, he was shocked to read top influencers on apps were saying this image higly suggested Connery had been a closeted homosexual, and – didn’t like women!”
“What!” exclaimed Vitoria, who had been happy her distant relative had made the big time. Starfish, was chuckling as she listened in.
“It’s his – raised finger – to his lips. Pundits are saying Sean is saying “Mum’s the word!”….and other things!”
“What other things!”
They’re saying there is no such thing as “hard” ale. And, his finger is suggestive. Americans are crazy, but Australia is boycotting my beer. This is….Mass Homophobias – that will burn down the world! I read a theory by a fellow professor. He concluded this is what caused the people of Rome to burn down their city. The rumors emperor Nero was Gay, would not abate. He was a very studly man who loved wrestling. And that’s it! He had several wives – and many mistresses.! This is when the Christians moved in. Everyone was becoming a Christian to prove they did not like men – too much! So fucking what he played the violin? I’m ruined!”
To be continued
Starfish Drinks Zig Zag Beer
Posted on August 20, 2018 by Royal Rosamond Press
I debated about Miriam Starfish using force to put down Maximorphius, the cook and owner of ‘The Bum’s Rush’ bistro in Eugene. My subconscious altered the name of Max’s Tavern, which is around the corner from The Bum’s Rush. Miriam Starfish almost skewers Professor John Bond, a name that is a conjunction of John Dee and James Bond, I just discovered. She has a love-hate relationship with John (played by me) who give a lecture on the Habsburg painting and – the Division of the Roses! What!!!!!!! I have yet to write that lecture – that is now the key to my book!
The Boilermaker Club
Posted on June 6, 2021 by Royal Rosamond Press
The Royal Janitor
Victoria Rosamond Bond – was on her own! As she was led down a dark alley by a rather large gentleman with bowed back, she wondered if she should own a sense of danger. For months, she left that ownership up to her bodyguard, who was not invited to the headquarters of BAD that was located in Scotland. This gentle giant was taking her to see her masters. There was a Gothic feel to all this. Victoria was reminded of Sherlock Holmes.
Suddenly, she spotted a plaque on the wall, and just had to read it, to the chagrin of Lurch, as she would call him. She had become a big fan of the Addam’s Family when she worked on the College of Arms. Her official job title was ‘Duster’ because this is what she did most of the day, since she was put in care of the dear old couple who took advantage of little Victoria since she was five. They pocketed her earnings. It’s all there – on the books! So no one would ask questions, she was called ‘The Royal Janitor’. Careful! You do not want to insult the Queen.
Lurch, grunted, showing his impatience with Victoria’s character-flaw. She drove Miriam crazy as she had to read – everything – especially if it contained anything that looked like a cote of arms. Turning to ask if they could stop in and have a drink, she felt a big blast of disgust from Gerald Keith who was wearing a kilt with the colors of the Keith clan. Looking both ways down the narrow alley, Gerald grabbed Victoria’s arm, bruskly, and with the other, turned a very old door latch, and pulled the divisional head of BAD – out of the darkened alley! Thank God Miriam was not here, or Lurch would be dead! No one saw the shadow of a woman being dragged into a doorway. This was too – film noir. Miss Bond was having – her first adventure! In this respect, she was no longer a virgin.
Victoria gasped at finding herself in a large Gothic cathedral like room with a giant fireplace with huge logs burning with a authenticity you can only find in England. There were twelve men standing at the most rustic bar in the known world. It had ancient history written all over it. That’s when Rosamond Bond spotted the writing and cotes of arms carved on the mantle;
“Take a shot – and have a beer!”
“Quick Miss Bond! Quay up to the bar, and take a shot. It’s almost six!”
Victoria searched the faces of the smiling gentleman for – a sign – of what, she did not know. On the bar were thirteen shot glasses, and a glass of stout next to each one. A clock with the face of an old boiler, began to chime.
Victoria rushed over to the bar feeling a bit elated. Growing up alone, she was deprived of most social rituals. Watching her peers pick up their shot glass and down the finest whiskey in the world, she followed suit. Feeling the smooth fire start to burn, she now downed her glass of stout like a greedy pig. She laughed when she came up for air, and wiped the froth from her lips. She can’t remember when she had so much fun!
“Quick! To the fire Miss Bond!”
Victoria squealed when she felt the fire turn her legs into rubber, she almost falling flat on her face as she ran to the giant hearth.
“Throw it in! Smash it!” several BAD leaders cried as one.
Tossing in her glass like a girl, Bond mimicked the cry of solidarity, and now picked up a fire poker and stirred the logs till thousands of hot Cinder Fairies rose up the chimney! This is it! The best of the best. Bond realized she was the first woman to be admitted to The Poker Club!
Lurch now stomped to the door, opened it, looked both ways, and ughed! Out they filed like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. At the end of the alley was a Mercedes van that the comrades hopped into. And away they sped to a craggy castle on the coast.
“Now we’re off to the truly secret headquarters! You must be congratulated. Your report on The Last Audient of the Habsburgs helped immensely. A new looted work of art has surfaced. A very wealthy Jewess has given up her fight for a Pissarro that was taken from a bank vault by the Nazis. You will be going to Oklahoma after our meeting.”
“Have you ever wondered who the Levites were not given any land in the Promised Land?”
“No. I leave all Biblical topics to Miriam. I’m sure she can brief me!”
“I’m afraid not. We suspect she is a Russian agent who is also looking for the secret of longevity.”
“You see. Her grandmother was a Petrov, who allegedly descend from the disciple, Peter, who may have lived to be two hundred and eighty-five years old. He too was of the Levite heritage -who were forbidden to drink wine. This is why they became Nazarites for life. “
“This also allowed a branch of Kohans to escape The Fire that was lead poisoning that swept the Roman world when a big wine merchant had cheap goblets made from tin and lead. They were dipped in a gold compound a alchemist made to give the customer the feel they were of the golden gods. A million people went crazy due to the lead poisoning. This gold glazing also created a permanent mutation. We have evidence that Jesus was a Nazarite like his cousin John the Baptist. Both men were Levites who never drank wine, thus they were spared the mutation. With the help of Egyptian alchemists, they made a antidote taken from their blood. Jesus did not turn water into wine, but, wine into water. He submerged and baptized his relatives after having them drink the cure. This is the original eucharist, that was altered.”
“This is why we drink whiskey with a beer chaser. Our beer is made from an ancient Egyptian recipe.”
Victoria felt faint. Her head was spinning.
“Can I have another shot of whiskey, please?”
“No. You cant have another boilermaker until a year from now.”
Victoria wished Starfish was here to fight for her rights.
“I can surely drink what I want. I’m an adult.”
“No – you can’t. You already have a problem!”
Bond felt her face flush. Did they know about the two bottles of cooking Sherry she had in her suitcase. She picked up a habit of sipping the Sherry when the cook went home. She was so bored. She liked to feel lightheaded at the end of her log day – of dusting.
“The reason the Levites were not given any land, is because some of them lived to be seven hundred years old. There were the laws of the Jubilee that did not allow God’s land to be sold into perpetuity.”
“A tribe of Russians were found in Siberia that are famous for their longevity. One member member is Yeltsin’s grandfather.”
“Your, friend, is the granddaughter of Yeltsen!”
“Who is not dead!”
“What?” Bond muttered, wishing she could fall into a deep sleep, or, take a longer than usual nap. Victoria’s heart was racing. For a second she thought she head Miriam was dead.
“Does Putin know?” Bond asked.
“Yes! Yeltsin was a terrible alcoholic who brought the Soviet Union to its knees. Alas Russia had come up with a cure. How well it works, we do not know. This is why we want Starfish to defect – and get into Russian detox. If she is one of Putin’s Night Whores, then, you lost your bodyguard.”
“She might be….a Yeltsin Vampire! Were talking about the largest crime family in the world.”
Bond went around the van and gave each Boiler Dude a hard look. None of this can be true. She has fallen in with the world’s greatest bullshitters who hang across the street from a world famous pub.
“The Buck Institute may have developed the Lost Levite Elixir, and are about to open Recovery houses all over America. The Kurds sold them the secret.”
“Putin, with the help of the Russian Orthodox church, is about to open inpatient Recovery camps – all over Russia.’
“We have to find a cure, and that is why we are looking at the Habsburg, who descend from the Rougemonts, who were Knight Templars, who we suspect found the Elixir in a tunnel on the Mount of Olives.”
“We’re here.” said Lurch.
When Victoria got out of the van – she gasped! The sun was just touching down on the sea. She had her vision again. This was the place she saw herself getting married at. Dunnottar Castle was her favorite place on earth.
Code of Jeanne (John) de Rougemont | Rosamond Press
French Heir Gives Pissarro Stolen by the Nazis to University of Oklahoma – The New York Times (nytimes.com)
A Jewish family whose relatives had their artworks looted by the Nazis said on Tuesday they were giving up their claim to a Pissarro painting and transferring ownership to the University of Oklahoma, where it had been on display until 2017.
Léone Meyer, whose family’s collection was looted by the Nazis, said she was giving up her long-running efforts to donate the painting to the Musée d’Orsay in Paris where it has been exhibited in recent years. Title to the work, “La Bergère,” or “Shepherdess Bringing in Sheep,” would instead go to the University of Oklahoma under an agreement that would ensure the painting continues to be exhibited in both countries.
“I have now regained my freedom at a price that I fully accept,” Dr. Meyer said in a statement about her plan for the painting, which she discovered in 2012 in the collection at the Oklahoma university, to which it had been donated in 2000. It was later transferred to the museum in Paris.
David Hume could well find the company of The Poker a relief from a skeptical depression – “Most fortunately it happens that since reason is incapable of dispelling these clouds, nature herself suffices to that purpose … I dine, I play a game of backgammon, I converse, and am merry with my friends; and when after three or four hours amusement, I return to these speculations, they appear so cold, and strain’d, and ridiculous, that I cannot find it in my heart to enter into them any farther.”
As to why the club collapsed, Adam Smith said, “Divided counsels and diminished zeal supply, no doubt, the main reason for the decay of the Poker Club,” but he also mentioned the rising costs to members.
Crochallan Fencibles – Wikipedia
The Merry Muses of Caledonia – Wikipedia
Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin (1931 – 2007) – Genealogy (geni.com)
Yevpraksia Yeltsina (Petrova) (deceased) – Genealogy (geni.com)
Yevpraksia Yeltsina (Petrova)
Petrova Family | The Vampire Diaries Wiki | Fandom
Boilermaker Cocktail Recipe (liquor.com)
In 1639 William Keith, 7th Earl Marischal, came out in support of the Covenanters, a Presbyterian movement who opposed the established Episcopal Church and the changes which Charles I was attempting to impose. With James Graham, 1st Marquess of Montrose, he marched against the Catholic James Gordon, 2nd Viscount Aboyne, Earl of Huntly, and defeated an attempt by the Royalists to seize Stonehaven. However, when Montrose changed sides to the Royalists and marched north, Marischal remained in Dunnottar, even when given command of the area by Parliament, and even when Montrose burned Stonehaven.
Dunnottar: the last bastion – The Hazel Tree
Miriam’s Mood Swings | Rosamond Press
Our English Rose Is Missing | Rosamond Press
Doing the right thing is the focus of our Intelligence Communities. Finding out what is right, is the new operative. To have the Supreme Court back me up, as I have Victoria Bond off to BAD headquarters to answer to her love affair, is prophetic. After the meeting in the Lloyd’s of London, Victoria is sent to Scotland to stay at the Poker Club Lodge. Here gather a group of men who set the Moral Standard for the Western World. There is The Hume Tradition’.