Attack of the Fifty Pound Penis Syndrome

Rush Limbaugh said this about the woman who testified before the Senate about contraception;

“What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her?” Limbaugh said on his radio show on Wednesday. “It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps.”

Limbaugh and the Right are caught in a Dumb Duality Syndrome, where it is easy for them to draw lines in the sand, install a new Moral Mason Dixon Line between white ad black, good and evil, gay and straight, Republican and Democrat, contraception users – and sluts!

According to the church, premeditated sex – is wrong sex! Sex is only supposed to happen – when a MALE can’t control his god-given urges! Women are supposed to not want sex. If sex occurs, she is to blame. Contraception is – for her – because something can go terribly wrong – with her. She can get pregnant. When this occurs, then society is forced to look at the male who go her pregnant, and do and say something. Like what – make more churches – and blue laws? If they title any teenage son a slut, then his father is going to come to church and punch the good father in the nose – because they had a good father & son talk.

“Don’t meddle in my family affairs – again! Or, I’ll blacken your other eye!

What IF, overnight, there appear an amazing syndrome where every male on earth who had sex without using a contraceptive – woke up with a fifty pound boner!

“My God! What to do? What to do? I can’t go to work like this? I’ll lose my job! I don’t think I will fit behind the steering wheel! And – what in the hell am I going to wear? I guess I’ll just have to stay at home until it goes away!”

Of course if your wife or girlfriend is a slut, she will get all hot and bothered until she realizes your fifty pound penis is utterly worthless to her. Her only prayer can be if God gifts her with a fifty pound vagina like the one the Fifty Foot Woman had in that science fiction movie. Won’t folks – really talk!

“Get your sons and husbands off the street, for here she come – the fifty pound slut!”

And God forbid if this syndrome struck on Saturday night!

“Oh my God! How am I going to sing in the choir – WITH THIS!”

The Catholic church will have to hold an emergency meeting in the Vatican – behind closed doors – they grateful they are virginal men of the cloth. But, then there are those Cardinals who called in sick, complained they had a giant headache.

The first order of business will be to ask why Gay Men do not have a fifty pound boner. Is it because they practice safe sex by using a contraceptive?

After a week these boners subside! Church bells ring out all over Christendom – until the next morning!

“They’rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre back!”

But, only a hundred million men are affected – most of them Catholics.

“What to do? What to do? Church attendance is way down” moans the Pope in Rome as he rings his hands.

“I think you’re going to have to rescind the ban on contraceptives, even hand them out as the faithful leave the church.”

Study the photo above, carefully. What you are beholding is a father, who is not a virgin, framed in white balloons (balls) that represent his daughters virginity. They are at a Purity Balls.

“Purity balls promote virginity until marriage for teenage girls, and are almost exclusively associated with Evangelical Christian churches in the United States. Typically, daughters who attend make a virginity pledge; a pledge to remain sexually abstinent until marriage.”

Now, picture blue balloons (balls), and the WIFE of this father standing inside this sacred heart – with his son! Think about why that image will not work in America – or anywhere in the world. If you truly want to know why, then I promise you you will have taken the first step to enlightenment, because you will be on your way to escaping Dumb Duality – and the attack of the Fifty Pound Penis.

Hint: The blue balls stand for virility, heterosexuality, and masculinity. Mothers are not virgins. And, who has been magnifying human genitalia, blowing it up, and putting it in a public pillory? Why?

Jon the Nazarite

P.S. Note the very hot kiss delivered in the booth in this trailer. There aught to be a law!

Hey, put a rubber on those hot lips – toots!

A purity ball (also known as a father-daughter purity ball[1] or purity wedding[2]) is a formal ball dance event attended by fathers and their daughters. Purity balls promote virginity until marriage for teenage girls, and are almost exclusively associated with Evangelical Christian churches in the United States. Typically, daughters who attend make a virginity pledge; a pledge to remain sexually abstinent until marriage.[1] Fathers who attend pledge to protect what they view as their young daughters’ “purity of mind, body, and soul.”[3]. Proponents of these events contend that they encourage close and deeply affectionate, but chaste, relationships between fathers and daughters, thereby avoiding the fornication that allegedly results when young women seek love through relationships with men of their own age. Randy Wilson, a clergyman involved in the creation of purity balls, advises fathers to praise their daughters’ physical attractiveness in effusive but polite terms: “I applaud your courage to look your daughter in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.”[1]

Writer and feminist Eve Ensler criticizes purity balls for purportedly putting young women in positions of inferiority and alleged interference with their personal freedom and autonomy in determining whether and with whom to engage in sexual relations.[1]

The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health claimed that teenagers making virginity pledges such as those promulgated through purity balls usually do not adhere to the required standard of chastity, and are less prepared to utilize safer sex precautions in mitigating the risks of sexual activity when it does occur. Furthermore, the study asserted that the percentage of teenagers in a given area who have made virginity pledges is positively correlated to the frequency with which sexually transmitted diseases occur.[1] An article by TIME Magazine also echoed the same sentiments.[4]

Conservative journalist Betsy Hart, while supporting the idea of sexual abstinence prior to marriage, has expressed concerns that purity balls are pervaded by a preoccupation with physical chastity which may inadvertently imbue the social construction of girls attending them with erotic attributes, while shifting attention away from maintenance of the internal moral and spiritual virtue which she believes is required by the tenets of the Christian faith.[5]

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About Royal Rosamond Press

I am an artist, a writer, and a theologian.
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1 Response to Attack of the Fifty Pound Penis Syndrome

  1. Reblogged this on Rosamond Press and commented:

    I hate Trump and his evangelical nuts.

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