“If it is true I died, where was when I died?” Smart-ass question, right? I mean, we all gotta die somewhere! Where we go from there – God only knows!
“You were on these beautiful rocks by the sea.”
Now, I am amazed, and almost a believer, for there was a place I had in mind as my death scene. I had fallen on a dramatic rock at McClure’s beach, and a sharp rock entered the plan of my hand, exposing the bone.
“Why did I die?”
“You were in much pain, and carrying guilt that did not belong to you. You had to let it go!”
I have long understood I was the Family Scapegoat that has been forever sacrificed to make things work for my family, including my daughter’s family. I believe there is an attempt to turn my grandson against me which can be determined by Child Services. We don’t have to go there, IF, those who are scapegoating take a little time to understand what great harm they are doing – to all of us! It has to stop, or we are all doomed to repeat the exact same mistakes – and miss the mark – the meaning of Sin!
In Judaism on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, a special goat is chosen, the sins of God’s People put on this goats head, and then this goat is shoved over a cliff. John the Baptist was the Prophet of Atonement. Rosemary named me after this prophet because she believed I was born on Yom Kippur. I was born three days later during an amazing starshwoer, that became visible when the sun went down. I was born a minture after sunset. The nurses in the maternity ward were at the windows, my mother too spent to join them.
When Jesus began his ministry, he came out of the wilderness and read from Isaiah. Closing the book, the people and the Rabbi rushed him and drag him to the edge of a cliff in order to throw him off. This highly suggests God’s Children understood he was the human sacrifice, who had to die for everyone’s sins. Abraham’s people practiced human sacrifice, that was once ordained by God, but, was later written out of the script – by usurpers! What my theory suggests, is that the Jews did believe in being washed in the blood of the lamb, or goat, that our collective sins can be removed, if we REPENT. This was John’s message – that became Jesus’ message – after John was murdered. John prepared the way, as the second coming of Elijah.
Yesterday, my sister Vicki called me back. I told her I saw my sister’s dressed in the jewels of heaven after I died. She looked at my blog, and gasped.
“You look just like this picture of Jesus! amazing!”
“I know. In the last two years the images of Jesus are changing, he looking for like a Jew.”
John the Baptist was a Jew that taught a strictly Judaic religion. What is not common knowledge, is that John prepared the way in the Diaspora. Followers of Paul’s corrupt brand of Judaism, confront John’s disciple in Corinth? and dismiss John’s baptism.
The reason my father dismissed me has his son, has to do with his alleged sexual abuse as a boy. But, what put me out of the fold, was the time I went and got a big kitchen knife, pointed it my father, and ordered him out of the house. He was ordered by the court to stay away from our house, and his children. He came in extremely drunk, stumbled on the furniture, and almost fell to the floor. He told Vicki, who was, about eight years of age to pack a suitcase because they are going to got stay with grandma in Roseville, a hundred mile drive away.
“You can’t take Vicki!” I told this wounded grizzly bear. “Mother told me not to let you!” spoke this brave gwelved year old boy, who now beheld murder in his father’s eye.
“Go upstairs and pack a bag!” my father said to my little sister, who was looking at me, her eyes asking me what she she do.
“Get out!” I shouted, and pointed the knife at his heart. Vic took one step towards me, and I braced myself.I was convinced Vic would get in a crash and hurt Vicki. I believed I was saving my little sister life. Vic knew I was strong because he worked my brother and I like men. He gave me a hateful look, and stumbled out of the house. He never forgave me, and told everyone, and anyone that would listen – especially the barflies at Oscars Bar & Grill;
“My son turned on me, betrayed his father. But I forgive him, because it was Rosemary that put that knife in his hand. Rooooooooosemary.”
No Vic, wrong again – YOU put that knife in my hand! YOU!
When you look at that gentile picture of me at my mother’s home, where I have my niece and nephew on my lap,and when you take a look at Vic, Robby, and my brother Mark, you know I had a fight on my hands, because these brutish men blamed me for things that had gone terribly wrong, including the disastrous war in Vietnam. I was a man of Peace! I had to go!
I told Vicki the turth last night.
Vicki, being aware of the sin of religious vanity, it is with great caution and respect, that I tell you I did not see Jesus when I died – but God!”
What I am saying, is that when I died, I took much sin out of the world, and turned it over to God, who restorith my life and soul.
John the Nazarite
An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame and Shame on One Family Member
by Lynne Namka, Ed.D.
Author and Teacher of the Emotional Freedom Technique
Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional problem with one member of the family or a social group being blamed for small things, picked on and constantly put down. In scapegoating, one of the authority figures has made a decision that somebody in the family has to be the bad guy. The mother or father makes one child bad and then looks for things (sometimes real, but most often imagined) that are wrong.
There are different reasons one child is singled out to be scapegoated. Perhaps the child is vulnerable. Or the child is hyperactive, noncompliant or acts out. Sometimes the scapegoated child is viewed as weak who cannot defend himself. At times the parent heaps on the blame because he cannot stand the child who has traits and characteristics that are similar to the his own! Sometimes the child has personality traits that are similar to a disliked relative (She reminds me of my aunt Tillie who I never liked.) Other children in the family can pick up the scapegoating pattern and join in taunting and hurting the scapegoated child. In extremely dysfunctional families, the parent may goad the other children to pick on the disfavored one.
Sometimes one child is favored and given special status by the parent. This child can do no wrong according to the parent when they are growing up, but being the favorite backfires on them. Children who are favored often develop their own form of pathology in that they grow up feeling special and entitled. One woman said, “For years I resented my sister who my moved adored. I wished I had been special to my mother. Now I see how messed up my sister is and I’m glad I was not the chosen one of a very sick mother.”
All members of the family are affected. Children who are scapegoated often feel insecure and develop a victim mentality. They learn that they are at the bottom of the pecking order in the family and often automatically gravitate to that role at school or at work. This dynamic of making one child “good” and another child “bad” in the family is a vicious generational theme learned and passed down from parents to children.
Often an insecure parent will be aggressive with one of the children to vent his own sense of frustration at not doing well in life. Aggression in families creates decrease in self-esteem in the children. Aggression, the use of force against another human being, is always present in scapegoating. As Elizabeth A. Kaspar says, “The aggressive person is one who tries to dominate others. Aggressiveness, too, can take several forms. The aggressive person is frequently rude and humiliating, (e.g., “What do you mean, you aren’t going to do it?”), or the aggressive person can become self-righteous (e.g., “I am only insisting on this for your own good.”), or she/he can resort to being manipulative (e.g., “If you refuse, what will everyone think of you?”).”
Bullying is always scapegoating. Abuse is always scapegoating.
It seems as if we humans as a species seem to need someone to vent our anger on and make wrong. Scapegoating is a projection defense. It is the ego saying “If I can put the blame on you, I don’t have to recognize and take responsibility for the negative qualities in myself. What I can’t stand about myself, I really hate in you and have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality.”
Scapegoating is a huge social problem contributing to the hate that exists in the world. There is scapegoating of whole groups of people happening when there is prejudice or stereotyping. Unfortunately, in a larger sense, some Jewish people or other ethnic groups and minorities have been scapegoated by the less conscious members of their own culture.
Surprisingly there is not much research on scapegoating for all the damage that is does to families and to society. Here are some ideas from The Scapegoat Society, Forest Row, East Sussex, RH18 5JF, England. http://www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk
“Scapegoating is a hostile social – psychological discrediting routine by which people move blame and responsibility away from themselves and towards a target person or group. It is also a practice by which angry feelings and feelings of hostility may be projected, via inappropriate accusation, towards others. The target feels wrongly persecuted and receives misplaced vilification, blame and criticism; he is likely to suffer rejection from those who the perpetrator seeks to influence. Scapegoating has a wide range of focus: from “approved” enemies of very large groups of people down to the scapegoating of individuals by other individuals. Distortion is always a feature.
In scapegoating, feelings of guilt, aggression, blame and suffering are transferred away from a person or group so as to fulfill an unconscious drive to resolve or avoid such bad feelings. This is done by the displacement of responsibility and blame to another who serves as a target for blame both for the scapegoater and his supporters. The scapegoating process can be understood as an example of the Drama Triangle concept [Karpman, 1968].
The perpetrator’s drive to displace and transfer responsibility away from himself may not be experienced with full consciousness – self-deception is often a feature. The target’s knowledge that he is being scapegoated builds slowly and follows events. The scapegoater’s target experiences exclusion, ostracism or even expulsion.
In so far as the process is unconscious it is more likely to be denied by the perpetrator. In such cases, any bad feelings – such as the perpetrator’s own shame and guilt – are also likely to be denied. Scapegoating frees the perpetrator from some self-dissatisfaction and provides some narcissistic gratification to him. It enables the self-righteous discharge of aggression. Scapegoaters tend to have extra-punitive characteristics [Kraupl-Taylor, 1953]. On another view, scapegoaters are insecure people driven to raise their own status by lowering the status of their target.”
What Should You Do if You Are or Were Mean to One of your Children?
Understand the dynamics and deal with your anger. Examine family patterns of favoritism and placing the blame on one child. Apologize to the mistreated child and stop playing favorites. Get into therapy and learn to live with yourself and family members in more productive ways.
What Should You Do if You Were Mistreated?
If you recognize that certain people in your family or workplace always take the brunt of what is going, it is probably scapegoating. If this is your dynamic, you can learn what you do to perpetuate unconsciously to keep yourself a victim. Do whatever it takes to change this role of being blamed. If you were designated the black sheep of the family, then studying this dynamic is the way to release yourself from its poison. Learn to recognize the negative family patterns of blame and shame and vow to stop doing them in this generation!
Stop trying to win the favor of a parent who did not like you when you were growing up. A parent who rejects their child has some severe personality disturbance and is not likely to change. The best you can do is understand the underlying dynamic of your parent and try to come to peace with this on your own. Don’t expect the parent to “own” up to their mistreatment. Most likely, they will only deny and blame you again for being ungrateful. Some children who were scapegoated have as little to do with the abusive parent as they can when they grow up.
Do some reading to explore how scapegoating may have affected not only your own personality, but also others in your family. Do a web search on assertive behavior to learn to challenge others putting you down. Take an assertive class and learn to set boundaries to other’s inappropriate behavior.
If you know a child who suffers from scapegoating, show him or her some extra attention and be reassuring that the rest of the world does not see him as “bad.” Act as a positive role model so that he can learn to see himself as a valuable person in his own right. Some children from dysfunctional families seek out more positive people to learn from. Do not let him accept the identity of being a bad person simply because a family member was a dysfunctional bully.
Here is a bill or rights from an anonymous source for the meek and mild who have grown up allowing others to be mean to them:
I AM MY OWN AUTHORITY
I must give myself the right to be me to function as I see fit. It is impossible to have a sound self-concept until I am true to myself and accept full responsibility for my own individual life, my own need fulfillment. At any instant I can start a new life.
I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM I DEMAND OF MYSELF THE RIGHT:
To recognize myself as the most important and interesting person in the world a unique and precious part of life.
To feel warm and happy, kind and living toward myself.
To realize that at my divine center I am no better or worse, or more or less important, than anyone else in the entire world.
To be different, to make mistakes, to be “wrong,” to be inadequate.
To take the time and effort to fulfill my own needs.
To be happy and free to be harmonious and effective to succeed.
To be open and kind, loving and lovable compassionate and helpful.
To be keenly sensitive and aware radiantly healthy and energetic.
To do less than perfect to be inefficient, to procrastinate, to “goof off,” to kill time.
To perceive myself as an absolute “nothing” unworthy and unneeded.
To have “unacceptable” thoughts, images, desire and experiences.
To allow others to make mistakes, to be “wrong” to be ignorant, to be “screwed-up.”
To act spontaneously, to resist, to change my mind, to be stubborn.
To be emotional to love, to cry, to be angry, to be selfish and uncaring.
To drop all masks and images to not fulfill other’s expectations and images of me.
To be criticized condemned, disapproved, disliked and unwanted.
To fail and to learn from it.
To be loyal, courageous, and exceptional in both my person and my work.
To accept my own authority to follow my own “knowing.”
I allow myself complete freedom and I recognize that I am inescapably responsible for all my decisions and actions. For I must inevitably pay the price incurred. I profit or suffer, learn and grow according to the “nature and consequences” of my act. I realize that “good and evil,” right and wrong,” are but intellectual concepts, for there is only wisdom and unwisdom, only wise and unwise acts.
Therefore, prior to serious decisions I ask myself, “Is this act wise? (i.e., will it injure myself or others will it contribute to my basic needs is it in alignment with the laws and forces of life?) What is the total price involved? Can I afford to pay it? And, am I willing to accept the consequences?”
I know that in the final analysis I need answer only to myself and that I have all the time there is for my total unfoldment that at worst I can only postpone my ultimate reunion with the Infinite. However, wisdom and love, freedom and joy beckon me onward and I choose to proceed as rapidly as my prevailing perception and wisdom allow.”