Here is what I wrote in response to my daughters post.
Dear Daughter, I am so overjoyed you have expressed the way you feel, and THINK! Thinking is a way of feeling. Being raised by your mother, only, feelings are more trusted, and are a way many women prefer to relate. I congratulated you for obtaining knowledge. You want to own knowledge. You want to own a business, and prosper. I want to contribute to your prosperity – and give my blessings to your relationship with Bobby, and your child. I read your message today – after I revised my book. I made a miraculous discovery. Your unborn child appeared in my new chapter I wrote this morning. Writing is very hard work. Writers spend most of their time in – their world. I spent hours in replying to you. Yes there are some craggy rocks with raging sea. I had to sail my ship, our ship, through some of the tempest to get at how I really feel about you. I try to stay focused on the real hard issues that have come between us. My aim is – to clear the deck. I always wanted you to be my muse – and inspire me
As you can see, things are really rounding out around here
When I first started my journey to improve my well-being, getting pregnant was one of my main motives.
It took loosing 45lbs, two years of trying and one miscarriage. Now it looks like this one is sticking with me. Yay!
I know that this is all Devine right timing and I am over the moon excited about this new life but…….why am I sleepless tonight and feeling so heart broken?
This is actually a feeling that I have had for a few months now but I have not felt like it was safe to share. I have tried sharing a couple of times but fear would stop me and I would delete the post.
I know there is healing to be done here and I am uncertain about posting even still but this is where my heart is and holding it in has kept me from posting at all.
Sharing my authentic truth has been extremely healing for me and others but this truth I am about to share has been the most difficult thus far.
You see, my father, whom I have been estranged from for 8 years, recently discovered my FB page and reached out to me.
He said he said he was proud of the healing work I was doing and sympathized about my miscarriage.
My dad is a daily blogger and he shared with me a blog he had wrote about forgiving me. I did not know that I needed to be forgiven but I was touched by his kind words and excited to see this gentle side of him.
I wanted to respond right away and rekindle our relationship. This is something that I had prayed for and I felt like I could possibly have my Dad back. But something inside me told me to give it a few days and so I did.
A few days later I opened my Dads blog site to see if he had made any more efforts and I was disappointed to say the least.
It is very abnormal for my Dad to say positive things about family in his blog and when I checked to see where he was at on his forgiveness journey, I saw that he had taken it all back. He was right back to being suspicious about my motives and acussing me and my mom of doing terrible things.
Now, as I post this I have made every effort to block him but I somehow think he will still find it and that is ok with me.
I have a lot of love and compassion for my dad even though he has made me, my mom, and anyone who is close to me out to be a monster I still have so much love and compassion for him.
You see, I am pretty sure my Dad suffers from a very rare mental illness call Paranoid Personality Disorder. In looking for a better understanding, I discovered this disorder and it fits my dad to a T.
*Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are exploiting or deceiving them.
*Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information because they are afraid the information will be used against them.
*Are unforgiving and hold grudges.
Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly.
*Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others.
*Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate.
*Have persistent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful.
*Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous to avoid being betrayed.
*Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts, believing they are always right.
*Have difficulty relaxing.
*Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative.
*Tend to develop negative stereotypes of others, especially those from different cultural groups.
This illness is very hard to treat because the paranoid person does not even trust the doctors.
So here I am, feeling heartbroken after many years of thinking I had this under control but I am grateful for these feelings. I see that there is healing for myself to do here and this sharing is my first step.
Leave me a heart if you have ever felt heartbroken over a family member with a mental illness?