This is huge!
JP
‘Fetch up Jane Shore,’ he says; and up she comes, Next morning, ‘Chop off her head’—and they chop it off. ‘Ring up Fair Rosamun.’ Fair Rosamun answers the bell. Next morning, ‘Chop off her head.’
“All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they’re a mighty ornery lot. It’s the way they’re raised.”
The “Fair Rosamun” Huck mentions was actually Rosamund Clifford (born around 1150) who became the mistress of Henry II.
The above quote is uttered by Huckleberry Finn in Mark Twain’s classic tale The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, published in 1884. At this part of the novel, Huck and Jim have been imposed upon by two scam artists who tell them that one of them is the long lost son of an English noble- the Duke of Bridgewater- and the other is the lost dauphin himself: Louis XVII, son of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. When Jim, after observing the behaviour of the two men (specifically, their criminal ways) expresses scepticism as to their claims of royal birth, Huck assures him this is not unusual behaviour for the nobility. He then embarks upon a quick history of the life of King Henry VIII to prove his point. While not disagreeing with his assertion- a lot of kings and other “nobles” have been absolute scoundrels, Henry included- Huck’s grasp on the pertinent points of Henry VIII’s life is tenuous at best, as seen by his full statement:
“My, you ought to seen old Henry the Eight when he was in bloom. He was a blossom. He used to marry a new wife every day, and chop off her head next morning. And he would do it just as indifferent as if he was ordering up eggs. ‘Fetch up Nell Gwynn,’ he says. They fetch her up. Next morning, ‘Chop off her head!’ And they chop it off. ‘Fetch up Jane Shore,’ he says; and up she comes, Next morning, ‘Chop off her head’—and they chop it off. ‘Ring up Fair Rosamun.’ Fair Rosamun answers the bell. Next morning, ‘Chop off her head.’ And he made every one of them tell him a tale every night; and he kept that up till he had hogged a thousand and one tales that way, and then he put them all in a book, and called it Domesday Book—which was a good name and stated the case. You don’t know kings, Jim, but I know them; and this old rip of ourn is one of the cleanest I’ve struck in history. Well, Henry he takes a notion he wants to get up some trouble with this country. How does he go at it—give notice?—give the country a show? No. All of a sudden he heaves all the tea in Boston Harbor overboard, and whacks out a declaration of independence, and dares them to come on. That was his style—he never give anybody a chance. He had suspicions of his father, the Duke of Wellington. Well, what did he do? Ask him to show up? No—drownded him in a butt of mamsey, like a cat. S’pose people left money laying around where he was—what did he do? He collared it. S’pose he contracted to do a thing, and you paid him, and didn’t set down there and see that he done it—what did he do? He always done the other thing. S’pose he opened his mouth—what then? If he didn’t shut it up powerful quick he’d lose a lie every time. That’s the kind of a bug Henry was; and if we’d a had him along ‘stead of our kings he’d a fooled that town a heap worse than ourn done. I don’t say that ourn is lambs, because they ain’t, when you come right down to the cold facts; but they ain’t nothing to that old ram, anyway. All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they’re a mighty ornery lot. It’s the way they’re raised.”
― Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Well, where to start? To begin with, while Henry was the very devil with women, he did not chop off the heads of all six of his wives… just two of them: Anne Boleyn (1536) and Catherine Howard (1542). Although this is rather damning him with faint praise. Also, Nell Gwyn was not one of Henry’s wives; she was an actress who lived about a hundred years later (born 1650) and was the mistress of Charles II. Jane Shore lived about a hundred years earlier (born 1445) and was the mistress of Edward IV of England. The “Fair Rosamun” Huck mentions was actually Rosamund Clifford (born around 1150) who became the mistress of Henry II.
Huck also manages to confuse Henry VIII with King Shahryār from One Thousand and One Nights, and then credit him with producing the Domesday Book (actually compiled in 1086 by order of William the Conqueror). You might be surprised to learn from Huck that Henry also instigated the Boston Tea Party (occurring in 1773) and then sat down to write the Declaration of Independence (1776). There being no end to his villainy, Henry (born 1491) then drowned his father the Duke of Wellington (born in 1769) “in a butt of Mamsey”. What Huckleberry actually means here is a butt of Malmsey (wine). During the War of the Roses, George, Duke of Clarence conspired against his brother, King Edward IV (to whom Jane Shore, mentioned above, was mistress). Edward sentenced his brother George to death for treason and apparently George- who was an alcoholic- asked that he be drowned in a barrel of Malmsey, his favourite wine. His request was granted and George er, drank himself to death I guess you could say, in 1478. Considering the time period, there were definitely worse ways to go.
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