Desert Waif of the Un-Drivers

I believe it was the sound the Dodge was not making that brought me out of my wicked dream sate. I was at my first art show, and no one was looking at my art. Instead, they pointed to my feet. They got a kick out the fact I was only wearing one shoe.

“How mad!” someone said.
I tried to explain this was not part of the show. But now grimaced for it was clear I was not the genius I wanted to be. If I was, I would have thought of it, the way to appear completely out of control.

My body and mind felt like I had been up for three days doing speed. I heard a voice repeating my name, over and over. I opened my eyes and saw Robert shaking my feet. My shoe came off in his hand.

“Greg. Wake up. Something’s wrong with the car. It won’t start.”

I sat up, and saw a red ball rising over the hills just to the right of Rena’s ear. I saw a town sunk down in the desert valley about five miles down the road.

“Is that Winnemucca?” I asked James’ proxy.
“I don’t know.” Robert answered looking extremely worried. Then, I heard this.

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”

All of a sudden my eyes were wide open. Robert had gone into the gas station to get James a box of No-Doz, and he was sharing his stash with Rena who was engrossed with James’ non-stop reading of ‘On The Road’. I looked at Robert’s eyes, and he looked like an owl caught outside its coffin as the sun began to rise. Everybody was on No-Doz, but me – THE TIRED DRIVER – the dude for whom No-Doz was made.

This is why you don’t see No-Doz sold in the head-shops up on the Ave, or being passed around at the latest Be-in! This shit was made for long-haulers – the Kings of the Road. Instead of being the Road Royalty, I am usurped by Readers on the Road – wired to the gills on No-Doz! They couldn’t wait till I fell asleep so they could do their thing.

Why! WHY? What had gone wrong? I was in Half-ass Backwards Land. I was now the villain, and they were the heroes – the UN-DRIVERS! I did not use the word non-drivers, because that is not how it went down. The No-Doz Trio seemed to have done everything humanly possible to make sure this Road Trip is an utter disaster.

“Robert, when was the last time you put in some oil?”

“I didn’t put in any oil.”
“Didn’t I say you needed to put in two quarts every hour.”
“Yes! But I forgot.”
“James. Didn’t I ask you to remind your friend to put in some oil every hour.”
“Maybe, Yes. But, we got carried away in this book. You know how that is when you’re into a really good book. Right Rena?
“James. Get out of the car.”

I watched Rena’s hand come to rest on James’ arm, as if she was saying
“Don’t listen to him. Be brave my warrior. Don’t let him bully you around.
“James, one more word out of you, and I………..”

James adruptly opened the door, and glared at me. I slid the car keys to him over the top of the Dodge.
“I want you to go to the trunk and get Robert two quarts of oil.”
“Whdsisifrogtome!”
“James, if you dare say that Robert is closer to the trunk then you are, I will……..”

Grumbling, James alas got the trunk open, slammed it, and almost threw the oil at Robert.

“Robert, pop the hood and put the oil in the crankcase.”
“The what? “

“We went thru this. Have you forgotten?”
“I guess so.”

I had Bob check the dipstick. It registered no oil.”
“Put the oil in, Bob. Like I showed you.”
“Uh, how do I open the can?’

You could hear the desert sand let out a long hiss, as it looked like it was going to be areal scorcher.

“Everyone out of the car! It’s a wrap!” I growled, and that meant Rena, who walked fifteen feet into the desert and struck a I am so angry at you pose. She jumped when she thought I was coming at her, but I was on the way to the trunk to get the oil-spout that I jammed so hard into the first can that oil flew up and hit me in the face. I wiped the drops away with my fingers leaving dark streaks under my eyes.

I glared at Rena, the White Devil’s Daughter, and let her know I had it.

“All three of you have failed the final exam. There is no way we can proceed. I can not do this all by myself. I needed and asked for all three of you to be on my side for practical reasons. Now here is what is going to happen next. My car is dying. I love my car. I would like to spend five minutes alone with her as I drive to town – alone! You three will have to find a way to get in town on your own. I need to see that you can manage this, or I will go completely insane.

I fought back my rage and tears as I shut the Dodge door, and headed down the road. I looked in my rear-view mirror at the love of my life huddled with these two…………..! What a huge mistake! I hit the brake, threw the Coronet in reverse, and as the first rays of the sun broke upon us, I ordered the No-Doz Road Warriors to get in the car.!

“Get in this car. Do not give me any more of your shit! I made sure I made eye contact with Rena.

“Robert, where’s my shoe?”

Jon Presco

Copyright 2013